Aren't they a beautiful cast? Picture from cwtv.com

Hart of Dixie follows the coming-of-age of Dr Zoe Hart (Rachel Bilson), a slick and all-knowing New York doctor with a fondness for formal shorts.  Through a series of events, she discovers her father is the deceased family doctor of a small Alabama town called Bluebell.  She agrees to take over his practice and winds up in a lalaland of Southern stereotypes and quirky characters. We’re talking alligators as pets, social clubs for women that seem to preclude gainful employment, and names like “Crickett” and “Lemon.”

The first appearance of the infamous shorts. Picture from cwtv.com

It’s essentially Summer Roberts becomes Doc Hollywood and goes to Star’s Hollow which has been invaded by the casts of Steel Magnolias and The Dukes of Hazzard.  So, you can see the appeal.  It does require suspension of disbelief because there’s no way a small town in Bama is  A) so well racially integrated, B) this well dressed, and C) not obviously suffering from the economic downturn.

In case you need more convincing, here are 5 good  reasons to give it a shot:

1) The clothes are bananas.  Dr Zoe Hart, as previously mentioned, often wears shorts and a blouse to work.  Her nemesis, crazypants Scarlett wannabe Lemon Vreeland, dresses like a drag queen masquerading as a house wife.  Shelly, the dotty waitress at the Rammer Jammer bar, dresses like she’s the poster for the old “We Can Do It!” ads.  In fact, the Fug Girls have a weekly recap of the fashion choices and it’s worthwhile reading. Interestingly, the menfolk are usually dressed reasonably well.

See? The guy wears a totally nice button up and the girl wears a corsage on her head. Picture from cwtv.com

2) That person that you like from that Other Thing is in it.   The kid in the wheelchair from Friday Night Lights is now dashing young lawyer George Tucker.   Andie McPhee from Dawson’s (curse you Dawson’s writers for besmirching her good image with an affair at a psych hospital) plays the estranged mother of another character.  Former West Wing Vice President Hoynes is the smug Other Doctor in town who tries to derail Dr Hart.  The guy who tells Josie Grossie to look in the mirror to see why the other kids are laughing at her is now the mayor (in fairness to him, he’s had bigger roles, but that is the one I remember).  And guess who plays the fabulous town social columnist and taste maker? That’s right- mother ‘effing Carl Winslow, who is possibly having the best time of anyone on that show.

Reginald Veljohnson, you have arrived. Picture from cwtv.com

3) There’s a legit love triangle.  Usually it’s pretty easy to pick your desired pairing in a love triangle, but this one leaves me a little stumped. Dr Hart has an obvious crush on Good Boy George Tucker who used to live in New York and appreciates all of her Big City cravings. Sadly, he is engaged to that dastardly Lemon Vreeland– but you know he feels a pull to Zoe.   The good doctor also has a little thing with redneck neighbor Wade, who at first seems smarmy but has an emerging heart of gold lurking beneath his man whore exterior.  This is a true triangle because Wade and George are actually high school pals and their scenes together are pretty fun.  Ultimately, you know that when she chooses one, that friendship will suffer.  It’s all very bittersweet.

Some very nice looking boys. And Lemon taking her name too seriously. Picture from cwtv.com

4) Planksgiving.  Look, it’s wacky and ridiculous to think that a small town in Bama would replace Thanksgiving with a holiday where they honor pirates, but any show that can produce a picture like this is okay by me:

Adult men dressed as pirates! Ahoy! Picture from cwtv.com

5)  The show is executive produced by Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage– the brilliant minds who brought us such guilty pleasures as The OC, Chuck, and Gossip Girl.  Their stuff is usually pop culture savvy and self-aware, and they are masters at creating tortured relationships while keeping the jokes rolling.    This means that we can be confident in the eventual casting of Peter Gallagher and his eyebrows. 

Yes, Peter! It would be thrilling! picture from people.com

And a bonus reason: this video. Which has shout outs to Ben McKenzie and Adam Brody, and is just a little mean-spirited toward the dearly departed Marissa Cooper.

http://www.funnyordie.com/embed/d31d8fc05d

Go forth and watch- I need someone to discuss it with me!

from Buy Olympia

In case you are interested, I just posted a book-themed holiday gift guide on my book blog.

Gifts for Family. 

Gifts for College Friends.

Gifts for Other Friends.

Book-themed Gifts.

This is going to be someone's mother.

2) About 2 months before, realize friend is due right after the holidays and every weekend between now and due date is bananas.  Choose Sunday for shower date as Saturday conflicts with football.  Become irritated that people in South like football so much. Watch 30 Rock reruns in protest.

found on tumblr

3) Spend a ridiculous amount of time clicking through tinyprints and minted while looking for shower invites.  Send the ones featuring ultrasounds  to preggo friend and threaten to choose them. Despair that you are not wealthy enough to buy the designer cards that are cuter. Realize these are stupid invites that people will just throw away and decide to pick cutest budget option.

Rejected option.

4) Spend half an hour with proper Southern mother on phone debating appropriate invitation wording.  Are registries crude? How do we suggest people bring storybooks  to compliment our theme without preventing them from actually buying useful baby items?  Can’t I just write, “Look, we think it would be fun for her to open a bunch of books because she likes books, but it’s not essential and you should buy something off her registry if you can’t afford both.  But no big deal, this is supposed to be fun”? (Mom’s answer: “No, you cannot write that.”)

This is the invite. But I don't know who this Samantha person is.

5) Send invites and completely wipe shower from mind until 2 weeks before it will take place.

6) Receive RSVPs by email and don’t compile any kind of checklist of who has responded, which you will later regret.

7)  Realize one of your planning weeks is Thanksgiving. Curse self.  Eat Turkey.  Forget all problems and become optimistic again with glow of holiday rest.

This is Dad. He really likes Thanksgiving.

6) Spend all free time on Pinterest.  Convince self you can make a dozen brunchy appetizers in one week AND make your own decorations.  Consider making onesies as shower gift. Realize own limitations. Sulk.  Get annoyed you have to work for a living because you could get SO MUCH DONE if you didn’t have to sit at work for 8 hours.

A glimpse at my Pinterest.

7) Get together with co-host and compile menu and decorations lists.   Fight for French toast even though it’s more effort.  Have third glass of wine. Give up on French toast.

8   ) Make cheese biscuits a few days early so you can freeze them. Eat a third of what you bake and resign self to making a second batch.

I ate these. All of them.

8) Fold and fluff Martha Stewart tissue paper puff balls while watching Hart of Dixie.  Realize that you actually like this show even though it’s objectively not great.   But they are self-aware and make jokes about formal shorts!  And Rachel Bilson is too cute!

Puffballs!

9)  Meet up with co-host to make ribbon lights. Pour glass(es) of wine and start tying ribbons while watching X-Factor.   Realize you have ribbon to only cover fourth of light string. Curses.   Hang around to watch Simon be a douche noodle even though you don’t even like this show.

Ribbon lights!

10) Go to Target/Michael’s/Home Goods  every night for one week.  Wonder uselessly why Target won’t carry candy melts and floral wire because that would make things easier.

11) Queue up Lost in Austen and make cake balls.   Get really irritated that Elizabeth and Darcy  (spoiler alert) don’t end up together.   Go online and look for critiques of movie that also note this as drawback. Find nothing but glowing reviews and get annoyed. Eat cake balls to soothe your disgust.

I have met Elizabeth Bennett. And you, my friend, are no Elizabeth Bennett.

12)  Wrap 20 books to give away as shower gifts. Ponder if guests will think you are cheap for giving away your own books as presents. Remind self of environmentally friendly nature of gifts and dwindling holiday bank account.

13)  Skewer marshmallows on candy canes and dunk them in chocolate to use as hot chocolate drink stirrers.  Try in vain to keep peppermint sticks from leaning like that tower in Pisa.

Nailed it.

14) Get up at 8:30 AM on day of shower. Go to party room at condo complex to decorate.  Find room in the following condition:

OMFG

15) Freak the ‘eff out.

16) Try to call maintenance to no avail. Try to call office emergency number and learn that office will helpfully address all emergencies on next business day.  Find co-host and screech that everything is ruined because some 30th birthday party revelers from the night before didn’t clean up their mess.

17)  Start to remove the belongings of the previous night’s occupants.  Mentally calculate how long this will take.   Start to see red.  Converse with co-host on the subject of your anger.

My trash overfloweth.

18) Stop cleaning when previous night’s occupants arrive with their guns blazing and their Russian accents cutting you like a knife.   Exchange heated words about state of party room.  Engage in pointless discussion about who will pay for flowers that were turned upside down when items were moved.  Experience Soprano-style insults hurled at you in Eastern European accent.   Have your mental faculties challenged despite the fact that you’re not the one who broke the rule posted on the wall for EVERYONE TO SEE that you must clean the room before you leave it.

19) Hold door open for mean Russian party goers while they try to remove their trash. Offer them use of your garbage bags as they are obviously unprepared. Feel morally superior when they have no choice but to accept.

20) Continue decorating for party while mentally composing angry letters to send to office staff on Monday morning.

Baby pictures of Lauren provided by her mother

21) Shower and get dressed quickly. Worry that angry Russians will return and tear down decorations.

22) Help co-host with last-minute food, salivate over brown sugar bacon that her dog will eventually steal from trash and which will result in dog going to vet. Worry there’s not enough food.

Look at that bacon. Delicious.

23) Greet Baby Mama and her Mama. Set up Baby Mama’s baby pictures. Meet first guest.  Cause awkward moment  by offering beverage that has not yet been made.

The Baby Mama and her Mama

24) Mingle. Pour self Bloody Mary.    Eye pile of baby presents and wonder if someone will throw you a shower because you’re not even close to being married and pretty soon everyone is going to have kids and all you have is a dog and your   YA manuscript is just languishing on your desk and it’s unlikely you’re ever going to publish a novel and  ohmigod just get another Bloody Mary and eat something, for heaven’s sake.

Yes, those are blue cheese stuffed olives.

25) Give literary toast to Baby Mama in which you comment  that the Christmas music is suddenly loud now that you are the only one talking.  Compare Baby Mama to Hermione Granger. Success!

25) Play non-offensive shower game in which guests try to guess Baby Daddy’s answers to baby-related questions. Marvel that Baby Daddy thinks a snowstorm is ideal birthday weather.  Fear for Baby’s life.

26)  Corner each guest and bully her into writing something in advice book for Baby.    Look menacing. Fail at looking menacing.

Dear me, wasn't she the cutest kid?

27)   Write down which guest gave which present.  Feel simultaneously curious and revolted concerning  ”snot sucker.”

You would be surprised what babies need .

28)  Tell guests to choose a party favor book before they leave.  Explain first come, first serve and advise you can also fight someone to the death for the book you want. Feel relief when  there is no bloodshed. Look forward to Hunger Games movie.

29) Take down decorations, eat remaining Quiche and cheese biscuits. Drink enormous tumbler of vodka, apple juice, and cranberry juice with co-host while you question if angry Russians have connections to mob and if you should be concerned about your safety. Decide not likely.

Scrabble tiles born again.

30) Collapse on sofa and watch  BBC’s Pride & Prejudice  while remaining decorations and various party detritus linger on the floor by your door for at least the next three days, at which point you will have to clean because your dog is starting to get braver about approaching the puff balls and it’s only a matter of time before she tries to eat one.

Already licking her chops.

** Special thanks to my co-host Melissa for providing almost all of the photos.

Since the government is unlikely to start issuing licenses to passengers, the next best thing is educating the masses. In honor of the upcoming busiest travel day of the year, I present my guide to flying: How to Fly the Friendlier Skies.

(This guide specifically addresses concerns for flying domestically on the day before Thanksgiving and should not be considered totally helpful when flying abroad.)

Not being Kate Middleton is no excuse for rude airline etiquette.

DO  book your ticket in advance and choose either an aisle or window seat. Middle seats are for suckers and children that need corralling. If you’re flying one of those airlines where you can’t choose a seat until you get to the airport… best of luck with that.

DO NOT ask someone to swap with you because you don’t like the middle seat/ you don’t fit in the middle seat/ you want to sit with your friend or significant other and your seat happens to be the middle seat.   Someone else should not suffer because you didn’t  plan ahead.

DO arrive at the airport 2 hours early. Some people are going to say this is ridiculous and you don’t need that much time.   I know my advice seems extreme, but you will never be stressed about missing your flight if you get there early.  Everything that can go wrong will go wrong when you leave it to the last minute. You can leave less time if you live in a smaller city, but sometimes those security lines are the worst. Whatever. I’m not your mom. Do what you want.

DO NOT ask everyone to let you to the front of the line when you arrive 30 minutes before your flight.  Everyone else is trying to catch their flights too. We may allow you to skip us because we’re nice, but we are secretly shooting laser eyes at your back and hoping you miss your flight.  You may only ask other people to accommodate you if you are in danger of missing the last minutes of a loved one’s life. Don’t bother trying to force your way to the front  because the security folks are watching like hawks for abnormal behavior.

DO wear loose-fitting and comfortable clothes. Layer.  Flights are always cold and I guarantee someone will turn their air vent so that it blows on you.  Plus, you will swell while in flight and your tight pants will feel like sausage-casings. Think comfy jeans, cardigans, close toed shoes, and light scarves. Plus, if you’re going from a cold climate to a warm climate or vice verse, you will be glad to shed or gain layers as needed.

Try to emulate Rachel Bilson when you fly. Actually, just try to emulate her in general. Are you watching Hart of Dixie? You should try it! She's so cute!

DO consider your footwear carefully. I strongly suggest slip on shoes (Toms for the win!), and I urge the wearing of socks because you will have to go barefoot on the icky airport floor.  That said, if you need to wear boots during your trip, it’s a tactical move to wear them in flight to free up packing space.  This is a personal choice that you must make for yourself.  

If you choose to wear complicated shoes, DO NOT linger around the conveyor belt while you put them on again.  There are people coming behind you and the trays are bumping into each other. Grab your things and then go sit on one of the benches the airport so helpfully places near the security check.  Get organized.

DO NOT wear booty shorts, athletic shorts, formal shorts, micro-minis, shoes with heels, shoes that make sounds,  shoes with complicated laces, strapless dresses,  90s-era lycra dresses, dirty tank tops, tons of jewelry, anything you would wear to a dance club, metal of any kind, or heavy perfume/cologne. I know you want to look good when you get off the plane because chances are you are meeting someone you want to impress, but your flight will be agonizing and lululemon pants will do great things for your rear anyway. (Note: Dudes should not wear lululemon.) A helpful guideline is to consider what you might want to be wearing if you crash-land on a mysterious island and might need to run from errant polar bears.  Would you like to be wearing 3 inch heels and a zebra print skirt in this situation? No you would not.

This outfit is not practical for flying. Take note.

DO NOT make jokes about weapons you may be concealing or other  possible  nefarious plots.   It’s not funny. You will not make it to your flight.

DO remove all metal, empty your pockets, and take off your shoes/watch  when going through security. I know you see the numerous signs asking you to do this. I know you see everyone around you shrugging off their shoes and pulling change out of their pockets. You too will go through the metal detectors, so don’t act like this is surprising. You are not a  special  unicorn.

DO look alive while going through the checkpoint.  DO NOT daydream until you have to walk through the metal detector and then scramble to remove all contraband.  Have your shoes half off, take your bag of liquids out, put your laptop in a separate tray, and take off your coat. (Yes, that’s right. You have to remove your coat. You might be a terrorist. I don’t know you.)

DO NOT  have a tantrum about going through that machine where  someone can allegedly see all your naughty bits.  They see literally 1000s of bodies a day.  You just can’t worry about it too much. Until they tell us the machine causes cancer, thank your chosen deity that this machine offers some added safety and prevents pat downs for those of us with metal rods in our backs.  We DO NOT think it is funny when the security staff don’t believe us and think we have weapons hidden down our shirts.  I had surgery when I was 18! It happens! Don’t look at me like I’m a criminal!

DO choose the security line filled with business people.  That other line may look shorter, but do you see the family of 5?  What about the dude carrying the oversized bag and sporting a dozen piercings?  For the shortest wait, look for people traveling alone that also  look professional.  They will zip through like woah, and so will you.

DO check a bag if you have to carry liquids over 3 oz. Also check a bag if your bag is really too big to go in the overhead bin but you just really hate the baggage fee and waiting for your bag at the baggage claim.  Your bag will not magically shrink because you despise these things.   When you get on the plane and it won’t fit and you start bitching and moaning about how unfair it is, nobody will have sympathy for you and we will all exchange looks and form an unspoken alliance against you. When the plane crashes, we will give you to The Others.  Oh, you may also want to check a bag if you are like me and hate lifting your bag over your head,  feel really anxious about what will happen if you get on the plane and there’s no spots left in the overhead, and fear standing around looking desperate while the flight crew gives you annoyed looks.

Is your bag too big? Buh bye.

DO NOT pitch a fit in the security line when they tell you that your liquids can’t go on the plane with you because they are too big.  I don’t care that the last airport didn’t catch it. I don’t care that you paid a bajillion dollars for your magic serum that makes your skin look like Cate Blanchett’s.  You’ve been watching the news the past 10 years. You know the world we are in.  Don’t carry the liquids.  Check  your issues at the door and your  bag at the desk, drama queen.

DO pack your cell phone charger in your carry on. My dad always says that you can get any where you need to be if you have your passport and a credit card.  In these modern times, I would add cell phone and therefore cell charger to that list.

Also, DO NOT give the security folks or airline employees  a hard time. If you’re really being mistreated, then be assertive but not nasty. Try to remember these people are doing their jobs and they would rather be at home with their own families on the holiday.  Their day is like 90x worse than yours because they’re missing holiday fun and they have to deal with 1000s of angry and entitled travelers.  They can’t make the weather better, they can’t make aircrafts bigger, and they can’t make exceptions for your carry on because you really need it.  Smile and be gracious. They’re more likely to want to help the nice folks, and I once got a free drink card for a Delta flight because I smiled at the weary desk agent.

As a follow-up, DO be extra nice to the gate agent. Sometimes your attitude with them can make all the difference. One of my friends bought the gate agent a Coke and got bumped to an earlier flight. Another friend volunteered for a late flight and then got bumped to business class instead.   Kindness counts and being a juicebox will not get you what you want.

If you’re at an airport where you have to walk a long way or take the train from the security lines to your gate, DO choose to walk when you have the time in your schedule. You’ll be sitting for a long time and it’s good exercise. And you won’t feel bad about that cheeseburger you’re about to destroy.

If your airport has those moving sidewalks, DO NOT board them and then just stand in the middle. They are actually supposed to help you move faster, not contribute to your general laziness.   If you don’t want to walk because you have medical reasons or just have hours to kill,  move to the right hand side so that other passengers can move past you.

DO embrace unhealthy food. I know you’re trying to be good and eat the salad, but it’s usually a completely anemic and disgusting salad or just as unhealthy  as the burger you actually want to eat.  Just eat what you want because if your flight crashes, this will be your last meal.   If you insist upon being healthy, you can usually find snack bars in most of the airport gift shops.

I suggest cheese fries as an appropriate last meal.

DO get into the Sky Lounge or other airline equivalent if you have the means.  Free drinks, warm cookies, and wifi.  This is how the other half lives.

This is a real Sky Lounge Bloody Mary. And it is delicious because it is both free and Exclusive.

DO NOT spread out over 3 seats in the waiting area for your flight. Do you see the folks hanging around the edge of the gate looking harassed? They need a seat more than your purse does.

DO treat the hallways in the airport like a roadway: slower traffic moves to the right and everyone moves out of the way when you hear beeping and see flashing lights.  

DO NOT amble down the center of the hallway like a confused cow blocking traffic in a farm town.  DO NOT suddenly stop in the middle and check your phone.  Usually people in airports are in a hurry, so be aware that someone walking behind you will probably run you over if you’re not careful.

DO be kind to people with small children. I know, I know. We all dread sitting next to the crying infant, but the parent usually can’t help it and is usually mortified by the ruckus caused by their bundle of joy.  Sometimes they can’t avoid air travel and they will spend the whole flight dreading dirty diapers and inconsolable crying.  Try to be patient and remember that you were once very small too. As a follow up, DO bring headphones.

If you are a parent, DO be mindful of your little one.  We can all be understanding about a kid that is cranky, hungry, dirty, etc, but that doesn’t mean you have license to take a nap and ignore your toddler while he or she kicks the seat and races up and down the aisle.  As long as you’re trying, no one can fault you. But I will write angry letters to you in my head if you’re laughing while your kid continually pops his head over the seat to pet my hair (TRUE STORY).

DO NOT get drunk before or during your flight. Not only is this annoying to the people who are sitting around you, but it’s not very good for your body.  The flight will de-hydrate you and make you feel ill. Have a cocktail at the airport bar. Shoot, have two if you’re getting them for free at the Sky Lounge.  But don’t over do it.  If it’s a long flight, choose water when the flight attendants come around and you’ll feel less gross when you land.

This movie is hilarious, but don't be that girl.

DO limit your liquid intake and go to the bathroom right before your flight.  If you have to go during the flight, it’s okay, but you want to avoid it if you can.  There could be snakes.

When they are boarding your flight, DO wait until they call your zone.  This is controversial, I know. Some people say that you should sneak on as soon as possible to guarantee your bag gets stowed overhead.  Personally, I’m a rule follower and some airlines are pretty nasty about it.

DO NOT crowd around the gate in a hostile scrum, making it impossible for people whose zones have been called to figure out where the line is.   You will get on the plane, I promise.  Just wait your turn.

DO get out of the aisle on the airplane as soon as possible. DO NOT linger in the aisle, futzing with your sweater or trying to find the right book. Store your bag and get out of the way.  Other people are trying to board.

DO NOT try to make deep conversation with the stranger sitting  next to you. Sure, pleasantries are nice. If we crash-land on a mystery island, I want to make sure you’ll help me survive so I’m all for forming a team.  But, let’s be superficial here. Hardly anyone wants to talk for more than about 2 minutes, and I’m reluctant to tell a total stranger where I’m from and what part of town I live in.  Exception: if you are an attractive, smart, witty, successful straight male between the ages of 30 and 35, you are permitted to talk to me.  Also excepted:  Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, Emma Stone, Anna Kendrick or one of the other famous women with whom I want to be best friends.

Obviously, if you are sitting next to Oprah, you should act cool and disinterested while you hope she notices your really interesting and smart book.

DO NOT hum, whistle, sing, have loud personal conversations, laugh like a hyena, play a noisy video game, or otherwise behave in a manner that assumes you are the only person on the flight and the people around you cannot see or hear you. We can see and hear you. And we hate you.

If you are very tall, a little large in general, or otherwise take up more room than the average person, I have sympathy for you, but please DO NOT crowd into my seat. Aim for an aisle seat so you can spread out.

If you are on an aisle, DO be mindful of the drink cart. It will clip your elbow as it passes you and those flight attendants absolutely  DO NOT care.

DO remember this: All is fair in love, war, and claiming the arm rest.  Act early and stake your claim.

DO bring a book or magazine to read, the trashier the better.  If you have a fancy e-reader, remember that you can’t turn it on during take off and landing, so you may want something else to read during that time. 

I suggest this one. Fun to read but you look kind of interesting to other passengers.

When the plane is taxi-ing for take off, DO NOT obsess over the fact that most planes crash during take off and landing. DO NOT think of all the things in your life that you still haven’t done and ponder how fast you will burn alive and if your mother will have to identify you. DO NOT fixate on whether you will just be vaporized.  DO NOT wonder if it will make the nightly news.  DO NOT worry that you won’t go to heaven because God knows that you only pray during a crisis.

DO bring mints or gum if you’re really concerned about your ears popping. If you fly often, this probably won’t bother you much.  If you have kids, they will love this and you’ll be a winner.

If you choose to bring a device that plays videos, this should go without saying, but DO bring headphones.  Also, DO expect everyone around you to pretend like they just happen to be looking in your direction when they are really trying to watch your video and figure out what it is.

DO NOT expect the flight to have blankets, pillows, playing cards, etc.  That was a golden age that has passed.  Pour one out for Pan Am.

Is this show any good? I don't know. But I want to fly like that.

DO NOT make the whole flight land and miss their travel plans because you are nervous about flying and flip out on the flight attendant and demand to be let off the plane. (another TRUE STORY)  You know your limits and holiday travel is especially important to everyone else on the plane.  Now is not the time to face your demons.

DO NOT put your coat in the overhead bin.  That space is needed for carry on luggage and you probably want to use it as a make shift blanket or pillow anyway.

DO NOT be the person that boards with 5 bags dangling from your arms. Come on, man. Be cool.

DO commandeer the microphone and sing to us if you are Adam Sandler and you need to propose to Drew Berrymore.

It's awesome if you can hear what the captain says, let alone if he sounds like Billy Idol.

When the plane lands, DO NOT immediately unbuckle and try to get up. Remember that “Fasten Seat Belt” light? It is still lit. We are not done moving. Sit tight.

DO, however, turn on your cell phone. That is allowed when you touch down and you need to look busy and important. DO NOT forget that you are surrounded by a hundred other people and they can hear every word you say. You should probably text if you can.

Also, I’ve noticed a disturbing new trend where people rush to the front of the plane as soon as the seatbelt light goes off. This is not the proper way to deplane. Unless the flight attendant requests that people with connecting flights be allowed off first, DO wait for your turn to exit. The plane unloads back to front and each row files out in order.  Everyone is trying to get some where and your plans are not more important.  If you want to get off first, book ahead and sit in front.

Bottom line:

DO be considerate and aware of your surroundings and generally follow rules.

DO NOT be an entitled douche canoe.

It’s very simple, really. Have a lovely Thanksgiving and travel safe!

Thanks to Ann, Eric, CK, Jenny, and Dave for their suggestions.

Editor’s Note: This is how I remember it. But we all know that memory is a tricky thing. If you were there, if you remember more, forgive my liberty with details.  Also, enormous thanks to Marcie Maxwell for allowing the use of some of her fantastic pictures.

To paraphrase a line written by the great JK Rowling, there are some things in life that you can’t experience with someone else without becoming very good friends.

In my case, we were already good friends, but this cemented the deal.

At age 17, I knew a few things to be very true:
1) I was definitely going to find the love of my life in college because high school boys were dumb and didn’t appreciate me.
2) Overalls could only be described as cute and whimsical and never as frumpy.
3) Diette was my best friend and I couldn’t imagine going a week without seeing her.
4) Pacey Witter was the greatest television character of our generation. Maybe the greatest of all time.

I was half right.

When Dawson’s Creek first started airing the second semester of our junior year in high school, I casually mentioned to Diette she might like it. Personally, all I needed to know was that Charlie from The Mighty Ducks was finally getting a well-deserved starring role. As it turned out, Diette did like Dawson and his verbose pals. In fact, I would say that “like” is putting it lightly.  Some might call her feelings manic and obsessive. Suffice to say, from the moment that curly-headed Duck shouted to his much older teacher, “I’m the best sex you’ll never have,” we were hooked.

from the files of marcie maxwell

Dawson’s Creek Night soon formed. No matter the athletic practices, student council meetings, or terrifying tests; every Wednesday we gathered in Diette’s living room to gasp and gossip over the fates of the Creek denizens. We started to attract a regular viewing party– you know who you are. I won’t out you, but I have pictures to prove you were there.

from buddytv.com

By the time the second half of our senior year roared around the corner, Pacey and Andie were locking lips, Jack was close to coming out of the closet, and Joey Potter was horrifying all of us by not choosing Dawson. (How very, very wrong our opinions were.)  As our TV friends chose partners and changed partners, those of us in the real world filled out college applications and crossed our fingers.  The Creek was a welcome diversion.

The Real World and the Reel World came crashing together during Mardi Gras that year.  First– you have to understand that when you grow up in Louisiana, Mardi Gras is not a big smelly, drunk party… necessarily.   Most of us went with our families to New Orleans every year since birth.  We knew the Disney Channel side of Carnival.  That year, Diette and our other friend Cristina joined my family to stay at the home of my mom’s friend  in the Crescent City.  We did Baachus and Endymion, and my parents showed considerable trust in my prudishness by allowing the three of us to run around the city alone.  Sadly, we got up to absolutely nothing bad. We visited a friend and his family in the Quarter, we ate unhealthy things, we posed with mimes… it was all very PG.

The morning of Lundi Gras, my family was  preparing to go home when we saw the parade listing for the day: Joshua Jackson would be riding in Harry Connick Jr’s parade, Orpheus.  Pacey Witter was in our town, breathing our air. We could see him live and in person if my parents would JUST BE COOL ABOUT IT.

Looking back, I have no idea why they agreed to our batting eyelashes as we asked to stay late that night.  Not that my parents were drill sergeants, but they weren’t sneaking my pals alcohol or buying me clothes that showed cleavage or anything.  They did, however, agree.  I think we promised to drive back to Baton Rouge that night after the parade– another shocking thing my parents approved since my dad still fusses at me when I drive after about 7 PM.

The day passed in a blur. A full day of freedom in the Big Easy with two good friends and the promise of Pacey in our near future. After dark, we raced to  line the parade route and found the crowd to be at least 10 people deep.  By parade standards, this does not bode well for bead catching. Undaunted, we lingered in the back of the crowd agreeing that we would be satisfied with snapping a picture. In the days before digital photos, we all carried disposable cameras and boatloads of  confidence. Screw that bad light! Screw the distance from the parade! We would get a shot worthy of a magazine cover.

His float approached. We tensed, ready to spring.  And the float… rolled passed us with a speed generally unheard of in a Mardi Gras parade.  That sucker just sailed by while we watched with mouths open and cameras hanging from our unprepared hands.  He could have been anyone. He could have been effin’ Dawson Leery and we wouldn’t know the difference.

Don’t worry. The story doesn’t end here. What a horrible birthday story that would be! “Hey, Diette, remember that one time we were going to see Pacey but we didn’t? Happy birthday!”

Luckily, we chose our parade locale well. We set up on a median and the parade would loop around the end of the median and pass us again. We raced across to the other side and waited impatiently as a marching band stumbled by and some brightly lit monstrosity rolled away.  This time, we knew what to expect. We stood, cameras ready.  And then… a miracle. The parade stopped.

Pacey’s float came to a halt. This happens sometimes during the parade when a band stops to play or a drunk person tries to board a float and the police have to hose them down.   Immediately, we all saw the golden opportunity before us. With his float stopped, we had a shot at the brass ring: metallic plastic beads once held by the greatest romantic hero in our young worlds.  You can see the appeal, of course.

Our odds didn’t look good. We stood at the back of a vast crowd. He was maybe half a basketball court away from us… maybe a little less. And it’s not like we were the only ones screaming for his attention.  The difference? We meant it. Some of the bead whores just wanted beads from a celebrity… any celebrity.  They could never appreciate it as much as we could.  With the thrust of sincerity behind us, we retreated to the back of the crowd and leaped around. We waved our arms, screamed his name, took turns jumping as if hailing down a plane passing over a deserted island.    Diette  in particular screamed herself raw and flailed around with the intensity of a cheerleader on crack.

Eventually, he saw us.  I like to think that he sensed our true hearts, kind of like the Great Pumpkin. It’s more likely that standing in the back of the crowd made our antics a little more visible since we weren’t drowning in a sea of waving arms.  He smiled at us,  and let me just tell you if you have ever wondered: a smile from Joshua Jackson really is magic.  It’s like puppies wrapped in rainbows.  From that far away, we all  still melted.

He held up a strand of beads, pointed at us, and we watched the precious package sail through the air and land… in the branches of a tree. You would expect it to end there, but the darling Mr Jackson actually cared about the destination of his gift  and tried again. It flew straight toward Diette, almost falling through the air with the grace of Buttercup falling into Westley’s arms at the end of The Princess Bride.   

You know that moment in The Sandlot when the kids are trying to get back the Babe Ruth ball  from The Beast and they have this catapult that will throw it back over the fence?  And they fling it over and you see the ball flying in slow motion and the kids are all lighting up like Christmas trees because they know it’s going to work out and they’re finally going to win?  Okay, and then remember how The Beast appears out of no where and swallows the ball whole just before the kids can catch it?  This is basically what happened to us with the beads except The Beast was a girl in an enormous sweatshirt.

She leaped like a breaching whale and snatched the beads from the night.  She tore off to her friends, cheering and waving her arms. The three of us watched her with mouths agape, our hands held out in the universal gesture for, “WHAT THE EFF?”  Desperate, we turned back to the float, and guess who else was looking horrified?  Mr Pacey Witter Jackson.     He watched the trajectory of that bead and he shared in our rage that someone else would dare steal it from us.   I know, right? Pacey is the best!

Third time is the charm. Again echoing the The Sandlot, he pointed to us like Hambino calling his Babe Ruth homer.  This time, the prize landed in Diette’s grasping hands without incident.  If you know Diette, you’ve probably seen her dance at some point. Imagine her dancing after downing a couple of energy drinks and after LSU scores a touchdown and after someone hands her $1000.  That image you have in your mind is about a fifth of the dancing taking place in the dark median that night.

from the files of Marcie Maxwellfrom the files of Marcie Maxwell

Don’t think Diette forgot about her friends standing empty-handed nearby.  Before long, we were communicating by sign language with JJ that we would be needing  beads for two more people, and he graciously accommodated us.  To this day when people ask me if I have ever met a celebrity, I always have to reply, “kind of.”  He didn’t know us, certainly, but we definitely had a bond.    There was communication. There was gesturing. There was an exchange of presents. We practically bought a time share with him.

As for our coveted photo, we did cajole our celebrity boyfriend into posing with his hand raised in a wave at us.  This involved a particularly extensive game of charades with him, but he did stand atop that float frozen with his hand waving in our direction as we took turns flashing away.    We developed those pictures faster than you can say, “Why did Katie break up with him?”   You will not be shocked to learn that our late 20th century cameras did not produce quality work.  In the all the images, he appeared hazy or miniscule.   Not that I don’t still have a copy of the best contender and not that it’s not tucked away in  a memory box next to the program from our graduation.

I’ve lost track of that once priceless necklace. At one time, it was draped over a framed picture in my bedroom at home.  It may still be there, but it’s just as likely my parents wandered in and snatched it up to add to their yearly Mardi Gras decor.

It’s cool though. I don’t need the picture or the beads.  Over ten years later, I still have Diette. She’s still pretty enthusiastic for Pacey. She’s still cheesier than queso. She still lets excitement take over when little bites of happiness appear.  She still embraces joy when she sees it and grabs the beads from the air for her friends. She still dances like a fool and she still leads me on adventures that I would usually decline.   17-year-old Maryann would be sad to know that we don’t see each other every month, let alone every week. But I think she would take some comfort in knowing that we’re the kind of friends who can go months apart and then lapse back into a completely easy friendship when we’re near.

So, here I am at the age of 30, and here’s some things I know to be true:
1) College boys are still pretty much interested in the same things as high school boys, they’re just sneakier about it.
2) Overalls do not flatter anyone. Ever.
3) Diette’s one of my best friends and I can’t imagine a life without her.
4) Pacey Witter is the single greatest television character of all time.

I know it's old. But still my favorite picture.

Cheers to you, Spaghetti-O.  I’d stalk a celebrity with you any day. Or you know,  just get ice cream or something.

There are a lot of things to be said about death and loss and English teachers so often being the people that impact our lives the most, and I could probably write some things that would make her cringe about sparks burning in our hearts or whatever.  Instead, I’m just going to honor her with my favorite Balkom story.

English IV AP in our all-girls school was a strange place.

First, we met in a forgotten annex off the main room of the library. They used to store dusty VCRs there and the only windows were near the top of  only one wall in the room.  We sat in tottering desks under fluorescent lights during the last period of the day. We resented that– the school allowed seniors with study hall during 8th hour to leave. We suspected they purposefully scheduled English AP during that block to sabotage us.   There might have been 15 of us all crowded into that space meant to be a closet. Our numbers shrank considerably when Ms Balkom visited our junior year English class and barked that it didn’t matter if we called her class “Honors” or “AP”- she was teaching the same course and we should be prepared to sweat.  From two classrooms of 20 girls each in English III Honors down to 15 total. We were the brave few.

Second,  those brave 15 were a motley crew. We were a mix of the usual, “I must take every honors class I can so I can get a scholarship and go to college and be successful and preserve my class ranking” (um, yeah, guilty) and the artsy types who eschewed other honors classes but excelled in English.   There was a cross section of high school hierarchy- an athlete or two, some student council busybodies (again, guilty),  almost the whole drama club, some borderline goth girls, a girl nominated for Homecoming Queen… you get the idea.  But under the flat gaze of Ms. Balkom, we were all best friends for about an hour a day. In that room, we perfectly understood each other. We were in the trenches together.

Third, and most important, our fearless leader contributed to the general strangeness. Ms Balkom looked the part of the crazy English teacher: short, thin, salt and pepper hair cut in a wispy bob, oversized sweaters, and shark eyes.  She never once smoked in class, but I always visualize her sitting in her desk with a cigarette dangling from her hand as she rasped that we would be reading Richard IIIagain because we clearly missed the point.  (Years later I contend that we did not miss the point. It’s a sucky play. There’s a reason most schools stick to Hamlet and Othello and such.) She alternated between blunt academic and whimsical artist.  She filled our papers with chicken scratch critique, told us “not to be stupid” when writing our essays for the AP test, and once shut down my interpretation of poetry with a simple, “No” before asking someone else to answer (no explanation, no “well, poetry is subjective,” just, “No”).  But she also read us poems about animal crackers and cocoa, she dressed as a cheerleader when we played the junior class in puffy polo, and she had the best throaty laugh– like something out of an old Hollywood movie.

So, there we were. A stuffy gray room, a group of misfits with a shared purpose, and a salty middle aged woman who was nearly mythical at our school for being a difficult teacher.    Since it was an English class, she didn’t put much stock in tests. She preferred essays and response papers. By the second semester, we hit a groove. Most of us already knew what college we would attend so we weren’t that concerned about grades (except those of us with high anxiety… again, guilty).  We settled into a comfortable routine– we would gather our desks in a circle and discuss that day’s reading like a really great book club. I remember that class fondly, naturally. But then came the drama test.

Ms. Balkom announced she would be giving us one test that 9 weeks. We would mostly write essays, but we could count on one test– the drama test.  We spent several weeks learning about the history of drama, learning the terminology, reading excerpts from plays. I think most of us saw it as an opportunity to get an easy good grade. Essays could be subjective, but there’s one right answer to a multiple choice question, right?

A little foreshadowing: you might think that, but you would be wrong.  Dead wrong.

So we actually studied. By this point in senior year, I won’t say we were phoning it in in other classes, but let’s just say I spent most of Honors Physics founding the Boys R Stupid Club with my lab partners.  This test felt important though. We liked the class, we liked the drama unit even if it did involve reading Richard III TWICE,  and I think most of all– we just liked Ms. Balkom. So for this test, I made flash cards. I think there was a study group at a coffee house. The day of the test, I sat outside the gym with my best friend and we quizzed each other.  I remember thinking we were ready, that we had actually worked hard and it would pay off.

In college, I took a stats class that left me spinning. I took a psychobio class that literally made me scream. I had to memorize all the parts of the brain and their functions for another class and explain the  physical mechanics of a flip flop for another But this… this might be the hardest test of my life.  There was a matching section with something like 30 concepts with corresponding definitions, but we wouldn’t use all terms so it wasn’t a simple one-to-one match as we were allowed to use some concepts more than once. There were those dreaded multiple choice questions with answers like, “D) A and B only, E) All of the above, F) A, B, and E only.”   There were True/False questions that made no sense.  For once, the short answer responses felt like a recess.

That afternoon, we all handed in our tests to a smiling Ms. Balkom. I think it was a Friday. I think she told us to have a good weekend as she gathered all the scantrons. I think we all exchanged looks as we left and knew that it would be our last weekend on the planet.

On Monday, you could have easily picked out the members of English AP by our faces: pure, unadulterated terror. We all knew we bombed. Every last one of us. Nobody left the test thinking, “Well, I think I guessed right…”  I remember going back to my notes that weekend, aghast that I could have forgotten so much, and found that many of the concepts tested couldn’t be found in my notes. I wasn’t alone. A cloud settled over us, we passed each other in the halls between classes with shared condolences in our eyes, and for once we did not pray that the day would end.

We whispered amongst ourselves– did she know yet? Did she grade them over the weekend? Did she run the tests through the scantron machine at school yet?  Would we have to pretend it went fine? We watched for her in the school halls throughout the day; a rumor spread that she was cursing in the teacher’s lounge.  But she was the type to curse anyway, so it could be nothing

How could this have happened? We weren’t dumb. There were National Merit Scholars in our midst. Our valedictorian sat next to me during the test. For the love of  everything good, we actually studied for this one.

We finally met in our annex. For once, we did not chatter. Mary did not try to show off her dance moves. Erin wasn’t harassing Clare about what she was doing after school. Diette wasn’t making fun of me for generally being lame. We just sat in our desks, quiet as mice. Anne Boleyn must have felt that way in her tower.  Maybe when you were little, your mother would get really angry with you and shout, “Just wait til your father gets home!”  It was exactly like that.

Lizzy finally broke the ice. She said something like, “She’s  going to come through the walls like lightening and KABOOM.”  She pretended to explode something in her hands. Balkom’s rage would incinerate us all. How could we have let her down?

In the end, she came into the classroom with a flat expression. We tracked her progress to the front of the room and she dropped her stack of papers and books on a desk.  She looked up at us, a room full of basset hound eyed 18 year old girls quaking in our scruffy tennis shoes.  I’m not sure exactly what she said, but in my memory, she always says in a voice dryer than the desert, “Well. That didn’t go well.”

And that was it. In the end, I can’t remember if she yelled at us. I think she handed back our tests and, sure enough, the highest grade went to our valedictorian and wasn’t any higher than an 85. Most people were much lower than that. I think we went over the test, she agreed to grade us on a curve, and there might have even been a make up test or extra credit or something.   There’s not a profound big finish to the story or  a punch line.  It’s kind of a lame story, actually. We took a really hard test and no one got an A or even a B.  That’s it.

I’m sitting here with my hot cocoa (but no animal crackers), and I’m trying to figure out why this story comes to mind, why this is the tribute story.  Other than producing a ridiculous, nonsensical test, Ms. Balkom isn’t even featured that much.  Years later, I’m not even facebook friends with everyone in that class, but I know that if I only say, “drama test,” to any of them, we’ll have plenty to say to each other. Any one of them would groan and then laugh. And maybe that’s the key to any good teacher- someone that scares the shit out of you but then leaves you laughing.

The first day of class, we sat in our desks like petrified bunnies. The last day of class that year, we sat outside and had a tea party. I still have the plastic tea cup… and a picture in which Balkom the Great and Terrible is wearing someone’s hula skirt.

She  was always interesting, always thought-provoking, always witty, always honest. I’m glad to have known her and even more glad that I learned from her in the equivalent of the cupboard under the stairs. Cheers to you, Ms. Balkom. Thank you.

“Animal crackers and cocoa to drink, 
That is the finest of suppers, I think; 
When I’m grown up and can have what I please 
I think I shall always insist upon these.”

Is he bad at anything other than acting like a normal human being?

Last time on Playful Kiss: The whole gang heads to the beach for some hijinks in less clothes than usual. Mean Girl invites herself along, Ha Ni nearly drowns, and Duckie shows up looking like an extra from The Walking Dead.  Seung Jo tells Duckie that he’s a good fit for Ha Ni, while she eavesdrops from behind a car and looks shattered even though SHE TOTALLY DOES NOT LIKE HIM, okay guys?

I’m not gonna lie to you. The second half of this episode is way less interesting than the first half. But there is a big WTF moment at the end, so try to hang in there.

The beach trip is over and the kids are back in school and remembering that they have to worry about college soon.

With that tie, you could get into Hogwarts.

Ha Ni, fresh from her Study Hall success, turns on her inner cheerleader.  It’s like those seniors who slacked for three years and suddenly study like crazy for one semester of good grades before they apply to college. My inner high school nerd is grumpy about this. I’m not the only one.

Duck, Ha Ni. I see a punch headed your way next.

Ha Ni’s feeling confident about her new found intelligence and offers to help the other girls study.  Since we need to make sure Dark Prince is nearby to maximize Ha Ni’s discomfort, they decide to study at Ha Ni’s house.  Mama Meddler, who is starting to look more and more like one of those “Cool Moms” in the vein of Amy Poehler on Mean Girls, is commiserating with the girls that they actually have to, like, work.

In her continued disdain for her own son, Mama Meddler tells the girls to ask him for help when they need it because, “what else is the smart kid for?”   If this woman had a Good Son situation with Ha Ni and Seung Jo both hanging off a cliff, I suspect she would pick Ha Ni.  She leaves the girls to study and the Aggressive One makes an apt observation.

I think this is another dig on the the Aggressive One's weight

The Faithful Sidekicks go on to tease Ha Ni about her clothes (“You have some crazy taste”- and they’re not wrong. I should make a slideshow on this subject.) and her schoolgirl crush on Seung Jo.  Here’s where we find out that Ha Ni has been doodling about her love in her English workbook.

This list is not as interesting as you hope it is.

Her fantasies of the Dark Prince mostly include piggyback rides and talking all night on the phone. Aw, come on, girl. You could at least get a fancy restaurant or dancing on clouds in there.  The girls tease her for a little bit, but then they agree that her crush is well founded.   They all got a little warm for his form after he saved Ha Ni’s life in his wet t-shirt.

It would be great if all three of them went after him. The comedic implications are great.

Now that we’ve got the vom-inducing squealing over Douche Noodle out of the way, the girls get down to work. They attempt their math homework for about 20 seconds before giving up and shoving Ha Ni into Seung Jo’s room to ask for help.

Could they not afford to move this pole in the middle of the shot?

Ha Ni, who is getting a little smarter with time, knows that Sourpuss is not exactly going to welcome her into his room with a smile and twinkling eyes. She tries to resist but her friends physically force her into the room and slam the door behind her.   As predicted, he is totally disinterested in helping her.  In fact, he’s downright nasty about it. Can’t you see he has important toy construction to complete, foolish girl?

What a nice way to let someone down.

Ha Ni turns on her pathetic whining charm to get what she wants– she tells him their lives depend on his 30 seconds.  Truly, people in this show are constantly exaggerating the danger hanging over their lives. Anyway, for some reason, this convinces him and he snidely asks what about the problem she doesn’t understand before solving it in 30 seconds flat. I guess this is not a geometry proof.

Meanwhile, the kid is building Optimus Prime.

What follows is a montage that just makes me want to gag Ha Ni and keep her in a room until Seung Jo leaves for college. After oohing and ahhing over the answer to Question 1, the girls send her right back in for Question 2.  She pokes her head in again when he trying to get ready for bed, and then again when he is actually dead asleep. No wonder he’s irritated with her; are these girls even spending a minute on it before throwing their hands up?  So, even though I’m generally Team Ha Ni, I’m absolutely on the Dark Prince’s side when he grabs the workbook, dashes through all the problems, and roars at her not to return.

Ladies, you earned this fear. I have no sympathy for you right now.

The next day at school, the Faithful Sidekicks are marveling at their good fortune while Ha Ni just looks pained. This did absolutely nothing to further her plans to hold hands and eat ice cream with Seung Jo. Her friends, like the honey badger, don’t care. They’re ready to ask him for help in every class– a prospect which causes Ha Ni to turn a little green.  While they’re discussing this, a classmate with Betty Rubble hair snatches their homework away.

Clearly, nobody here thinks she got to Study Hall on her own steam.

The Aggressive One loses some respect from me.

Really? Are you so blinded by his back muscles that you can't remember what an ass clown he is?

The other kids want to get in on the tutoring action and Ha Ni looks like somebody just killed her pet bunny. Duckie to the rescue?

This is a rich question coming from a guy who followed his non-girlfriend to the beach on a scooter that he later blew up because he didn't know gas was flammable.

As it turns out, the other kids in class do not, in fact, have any pride. We also learn that Duckie doesn’t really know his friends’ names as he refers to one of them as “Yellow Head.”  Everyone in class, sans Duckie, wants a taste of the Seung Jo magic– nevermind if the Genius of the Senior Class wants any piece of this.  The whole class shows up at the Dark Prince’s castle that weekend without ever asking if he has plans. Of course, he has no plans because he doesn’t have any friends and his primary choice of activity is listening to his iPod while looking surly.

Oddly, they all show up wearing gray and black.

Faced with the entire class of twits, he tries to make a break for his room but his mother stops him. She’s so thrilled about her son having friends! Lady, these people are using him. They are not his friends.  Meanwhile, Ha Ni is doing that thing that you mostly see in toddlers playing Hide-n-Seek where they think if they can’t see you, you can’t see them.   Like a lot of plans Ha Ni concocts, it’s not working.

Not like he can't see over the top of the chair or anything.

Cover blown, Ha Ni comes out from hiding and begs him to help her class. Obviously, this kid is starting to like her because he agrees, but not before acting like she’s asking him to donate a kidney.

This is probably as close to having friends as he can expect to experience.

I’m just including this shot because it’s kind of artful and makes Duckie look like a Crique de Soleil extra.  All this scene really does is establish that he won’t get in the house and is upset that Seung Jo is within 10 feet of Ha Ni.

The tutoring session goes something like this:

Your teacher probably said it this way, but I'm way better looking, so you'll retain it better.

F is for "'Ef me but I'm foolishly falling for you."

Suddenly, we are smarter thanks to your brilliant use of the white board.

After the study buddies leave, Ha Ni glows her way into the kitchen where Mama Meddler wishes everyone stayed for dinner. Speaking of dinner, what should they have?  Eun Jo requests his favorite sweet and sour pork (good call, kid!) but Ha Ni shoots it down because Seung Jo doesn’t like it and she lives to make him happy. Speak of the devil, he walks in to the kitchen for some water and totally cuts off his nose to spite his face when he refuses the cold water Ha Ni offers him and instead goes for the lukewarm stuff so he doesn’t have to interact with her.  Guess that study session only went well for SOME of you, eh girl?

Ah, the cold balm of the fridge has soothed many a broken heart.

Then Mama Meddler steps up her game by pretending to get an urgent phone call that will take her and Eun Jo out of the home.  She doesn’t bother to explain what is so urgent, and Seung Jo doesn’t even ask why his mom is so in a tizzy. Jerk.

He's probably smart enough to know this is a ploy.

Sourpuss starts to leave the house in search of sustenance, but Ha Ni stops him and says she’ll make dinner to thank him for his help.  He’s rightfully skeptical, but she assures him she’s her father’s daughter and can definitely cook.  Wait a tick– didn’t her father tell us three episodes ago that she’s a bad cook and won’t be able to handle the family business. Uh oh.

Ha Ni retires to the kitchen in her apron and a gleam in her eyes. She’ll win him over with food!  You know, just once, I really want this girl to succeed. I want her to be really great and shove Douche Nood’s face in it. I want her to produce a really great dinner and smugly make suggestive faces with her her spoon in her mouth while  Seung Jo develops grudging respect.  I just… I don’t have high hopes.

Oh, honey. Start simple. Spaghetti, maybe?

Over at Ha Ni’s father’s restaurant, the Queen of Hearts is cackling over the success of her cunning plan to leave the kids to work out their problems while the adults have dinner together.   She’s about as subtle as red lipstick. The adults are talking about Ha Ni convincing  Seung Jo to tutor her class and her inner strength and Eun Jo is like:

Does this kid get a spinoff eventually?

Mama Medder notices a picture on the wall of young Ha Ni and her mother and the discussion turns to Dad’s romantic prospects. This discussion makes me suspicious. Are they foreshadowing a set up with old people love? That would be so tedious. Can we just focus on the teenagers, please?  Anyway, they tell him he’ll be lonely once Ha Ni gets married and he’s like, “It’ll never happen!”  To his credit, I think he says it more out of denial than because he thinks his daughter is ridiculous.

Then he says he’s not sure it was such a good idea to leave the teens home alone.  Mama Meddler thinks it was  GREAT plan.

By naturally, I think she means, "they do it and their anger evaporates."

Okay, so I like this character. I think she’s sort of a hoot. But she’s not winning any awards for her parenting.  The dads agree with me because they adopt identical, “Woman, what are you smoking?!” faces.

He can't un-hear that, Daddio.

Back at the Tunnel of Love, Seung Jo is charming as usual.

Woman, where is my dinner?

The following exchange takes place.

Of course it is, doll. Of course it is.

Yeah, it's a valid question.

Then she actually does the hula to demonstrate. Like that will help.

You see this piece of heart shaped meat? It is your heart. And the fork is me hating you.

Seung Jo is like, “Looks like I have to everything myself. You are completely useless,” and reminds me forcefully of movies where the sweet leading lady lives with a verbally abusive boy while her co-worker is a nice guy who would drop everything for her.

Guess what else Grand Master Tool does really well?

Cooks perfect omelets.

Ha Ni can’t contain her amazement and gushes that he’s a really great cook. Modest as always, Seung Jo reminds her that he’s perfect so what did she expect?

This is kind of true, actually.

Bless Ha Ni– she actually does manage to take him down a peg or two, even though it’s a complete accident. She muses that her dad must be really smart because he’s such a good chef and that Joon Gu (Duckie) is a pretty great chef too. Even though the Dark Prince doesn’t comment, we can start to see his eyes twitch as she babbles on about Duckie’s fantastic cooking at the school festival. His food was crispy on the outside but soft on the inside, and it really does sound like great food and a perfect metaphor for most romantic heroes. Seung Jo loses his cool and snatches back her plate and throws it the sink. DINNER IS DONE. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING. CLEAN THE DISHES, SLUT.  Of course, other than telling her to do the dishes, he doesn’t say anything or offer any explanation for his abrupt behaviors. Ha Ni misses the subtext and is sadly sucking on her spoon for traces of her delicious dinner.

She only had one bite, Douche Noodle.

Back at the restaurant, the adults are closing up the shop and about to head home. Mama Meddler checks her watch and figures the kids haven’t had time to argue to the point of passion and jump each other yet, so she begs to go sing karaoke despite the fact her youngest is whining that he’s tired.  Really, lady, really?   Ha Ni’s dad calls to tell her they’ll be late and she’s in her bedroom with her homework. She tells him to have fun and then faces her work, but not before having a little conversation with her bear about the Dark Prince.

That does seem to be true, doesn't it? Come on, girl. Put the pieces together.

She’s about to crack her English workbook when the horrible truth sets in: she left her book in the cave of the Sourpuss.  He could be reading it and learning her secrets RIGHT NOW.  Like every teen girl in this situation, she know she will DIE if she doesn’t get that book immediately.  She’s willing to sneak into his room to steal it back. She finds the book without waking him, but she has to stop and marvel at his perfection.

(eye roll)

And here’s where we get our WTF moment. As she’s lingering near his bed like a stalker, his arm suddenly reaches out and snatches her wrist. Ha Ni is like, “Oh no! What are you doing?” Suddenly, Seung Jo is a total lusty lounge lizard and like, “Hey, there, pretty lady. I know why you’re here and I’m totally cool with it. Let the boning commence.”  Ha Ni is all, “No! Just here for my book! I only like you from afar but I don’t actually want you to touch me.”  Seung Jo counters that it’s awfully suspicious that she suddenly has to find a book when he’s in his bed and they’re alone in the house.  He knows she wants it.  I mean, he thinks she’s dumb and awful and that she ruins his life, but he is  definitely DTF (Jersey Shore slang– means, “down to ______”).

Ha Ni is not into it, but he flips her on her back on his bed and sort of hovers over her whispering sweet nothings like, “We’re all puberty stricken 18 year olds,” and, “Isn’t this why you came in here?”  She’s still stiff as a board and clutching the English workbook to her chest like a shield. This is totally not how she pictured this. Her version had rose petals, a down comforter, maybe some candles, and nice music.  He leans closer to her face and the screen fades to black. You’re just going to have to wonder if Mama Meddler’s plan worked.

Just you, her, and her English book. HOT.

Next time on Playful Kiss: The family arrives home to find the teens doing …. what exactly? Plus, college applications are suddenly a HUGE effing deal.

We close with this awful shot of the bears in the closing credits. Have we discussed the bears yet? Every episode ends with the bears re-enacting a scene from the episode. I feel this scene was a very poor choice as the bears really do look like they’re engaging in something R-rated.

My skin is crawling while I look at this.

Last time on Playful Kiss:  Drunken Ha Ni proclaimed her hate for Seung Jo, and nobody bought it. Then she tried to appeal to him further by stuffing socks into her bra, but it didn’t end well (No!).  Mama Meddler put an incriminating picture in Ha Ni’s text book and it fell out at school. Now everybody knows the star-crossed lovers live in the same house,  and some people are taking it better than others.

Man, this school has a grape vine like a French winery.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, Ha Ni’s Faithful Sidekicks insist upon seeing her new home and spying on Seung Jo. Ha Ni, who is now accustomed to frequent verbal abuse by The Dark Prince, reluctantly takes them to her new home. Naturally, just seeing the house isn’t enough and they drift closer while she squeals that they need to leave ASAP before Seung Jo finds them and rips her a new one.

Her friends care nothing for danger.

Seung Jo isn’t home yet, but Mama Meddler is definitely there and she invites everyone to have shaved ice– much to Ha Ni’s consternation.  You know, this lady is exactly the sort of person who might have an ice shaver on hand. She probably has a juicer and a pasta maker too.

My snacks usually involve a jar of peanut butter and a spoon.

The girls are chattering and giggling away when the Darth Vader music starts up and Grand Master Tool storms in and starts tossing out accusations. Ha Ni did this on purpose! She wants everyone to think he loves her but he doesn’t because she is stupider than toast! His mom is an accomplice and wants to RUIN HIS LIFE!

I'M GOING TO MY ROOM TO LISTEN TO THE CURE!

Finally, Mama Meddler acts like a parent and fusses at him for fussing at her. She says Ha Ni is blameless and she put the picture in the textbook herself. Seung Jo is less than impressed by this response and stomps upstairs like she just told him that he couldn’t go to the movies on a school night even though everyone else’s parents said yes.   The Faithful Sidekicks are like, “Yeah… awkward. We’re, like, gonna peace out now.”

Good luck with all this, guys. We're just gonna... go.

The Queen of Hearts, who increasingly seems to dislike her own children, suggests the girls join them on their weekend trip to the beach. Ha Ni, smelling danger, reminds her they have school that weekend but she cheerfully reports she’s going to call the school to excuse everyone.  The Faithful Sidekicks just assume their parents won’t take issue with this and agree to join them for the mini-vacay.

Meanwhile, Duckie is still devastated that Ha Ni is sharing a bathroom with his chief rival for her affection. His solution: beg his father for money to get his own place. What? Is he going to lure her back there and tempt her to love him with his superior house keeping skills? Anyway, his dad is skeptical and sounds like a gangster.

It seems Duckie is not known for good decisions.

How much better are their phones? Even with an iPhone you can’t video call someone without WiFi.  And this is supposed to be the poor kid.   Duckie thinks 25k will be enough to get set up properly (oh, is that all?)  and tells his dad to think of it as an investment in his wedding. At first, it sounds like Dad is on board, but it quickly becomes clear that he is sarcastic and thinks his son could use a good slap upside the head.

I really couldn't say it better, Duck Dad.

Duckie is stewing in his own juices and is well on his way to turning into a delicious duck soup when an unlikely source  offers some wisdom– the homeless guy who sits outside the Van Gogh museum.

He can't smell any worse than the grease that keeps your Elvis-do in place.

It turns out he’s homeless in the same way as Danny deVito’s character on With Honor– brilliantly and poetically homeless.  He lectures for a while about love (“Love? Above all things I believe in love! Love is like oxygen. Love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!”), only it’s more about how love makes us lonely but we shouldn’t give up on it.

You should always take advice from someone wearing a pink cartoon character around his neck. This is fact.

He goes on for a bit and Duckie absorbs every word and has this take away:

What is the deal with all the confessing? Just listen to some emo and stuff your feelings like a normal person.

Look, kid, I’m pretty sure she knows how you feel, but knock yourself out.

While Duckie is debating how to best break the news of his obvious adoration, Seung Jo wants to make sure Ha Ni really and truly understands that he wishes she would evaporate. He stops her on the way to the bathroom and is completely condescending,  telling her to listen close so he won’t have to repeat himself.  He calls her stupid again and finishes off his tirade with this:

Dear lord. We know, we know-- you despise her. Get a room and make out already.

I wish Ha Ni would stomp on his foot and whirl off, but instead she goes to cry in the bathroom.

Aw, honey. Don't cry. Your hair is way better than his.

She monologues a little bit about how she never cried when he embarrassed her in front of everyone or when he did all the other awful things he did, and we’re treated to a montage of Seung Jo’s douche noodliest moments.

Back in her room, she gets a call– I assume from  either Mary Anne Spier or the Aggressive One– and Sueng Jo listens in through his open window.

Quit doormatting. Start talking shit about him.

He starts to look a little guilty as she gets all Mother Theresa on the phone, saying that he probably thinks she orchestrated the whole thing and he has the right to treat her like a wart.  Well, I assume he looks guilty. His facial expressions  continue to have all the range of  Britney’s voice.   But then we get this sort of sweet moment and I wish they were part of a story where he was less of a jerkface. Like maybe a story where they are neighbors that like each other, but through a series of comical mishaps, they each believe the other isn’t interested. In this version, they are played by Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

It's kind of Charlie Brown-esque, right?

This is where you should go listen to “Somewhere Out There,” and pretend that they are very cute cartoon mice.

Now it’s the day of the beach trip, and Seung Jo is some how unaware that they are going any where. I know 18 year old boys are as observant as blind jellyfish, but they usually have radar for bikinis.  He comes downstairs in his uniform and his mom excitedly tells him there will be no school! There will be….

I wish you could hear them say it. They actually said it in English and they sound like they are saying a dirty word.

Ha Ni bounces in and they exchange embarrassed looks, but they are interrupted by the door intercom where Ha Ni’s dad sounds very puzzled as he says someone else has showed up to join them. I know… you’re thinking Duckie would make sense here since we just saw him plotting to confess his feelings.  You would be wrong. Nothing makes sense here.

It's Mean Girl! And she brought her bare shoulders!

What?! Who just shows up to crash someone’s vacation without an invite? A wedding is one thing, but vacations usually involve smaller numbers. You can tell someone, “No, sorry, there’s just not enough room for you. And do your parents know where you are?  We didn’t invite you, so you should probably leave.”  But we need Mean Girl to add some romantic tension even though Seung Jo has never actually indicated he likes her.

At school, Teacher Song tells the class that Ha Ni and friends are on vacation with Seung Jo’s family. Duckie doesn’t take it well.

This world where boy band wannabes can see my lady love in her swimsuit?

He leaves class, sick with this upsetting news, and plots to find Ha Ni at the beach and cover her lady bits. How to get there? Ah, yes, concoct an easily disproved story about a dying aunt and ask the vice principal to borrow his scooter. Two things: 1) This VP clearly went to the Belding School of Gullible Leadership since most educators would not allow a student to borrow their transportation and 2) Really, VP? They don’t pay you enough to drive something with doors?

Regardless, Duckie gets his ride.

Beggars can't be choosers, lover boy.

Duckie also gets stopped by a cheerleader promoting a “massage parlor” who is giving out lighters to promote her business.

It's a girl. And she's talking to you. And she's not telling you to go away. Get off the bike and stay.

Duckie takes the lighter and speeds off to meet his destiny with the new ability to set things on fire. Watch out, Ha Ni. His love might literally burn.

The happy campers are en route to the beach and hardly anyone looks very happy.

Mama Meddler looks particularly enraged. She should have just called Mean Girl's parents and made her go home.

By the way, the Douch Nood is catching up on his  Bertrand Russell for a little light reading on vacation. Nothing like the works of a logician to really relax the mind. The air is thick enough to cut with a butter knife and Mean Girl tries to tempt Seung Jo with her watermelon. I think it’s clear this is some sort of euphemism for her boobs.  The Queen of Hearts grumbles that they have plenty of watermelon already and Mean Girl happily reports that hers taste like honey.  If we’re following the boobs symbolism, this just got weird.  Mama Meddler shows her spicy side.

SNAP.

The Faithful Sidekicks take the moment to ask the obvious question:

We are all wondering this.

I think there is actually a mistranslation here because Mean Girl stammers that, “we all have our ways,” and we see a flashback of her hiding under a desk while the Three Musketeers write a packing list. I’m thinking they really asked her how she knew that they were going on vacation because nobody has yet to answer why she was allowed to join them. Next time my friend Ann goes to Paris, I’m just going to show up at the airport with my bags because now it appears anyone who shows up at the start of a trip can tag along.

Ha Ni quietly suggests they play the last letter game– the one where you say something and the next person has to answer with  something that starts with the last letter of what you said.  Mean Girl scoffs because she is mean and that’s her job.  Mama Meddler, who clearly has a favorite future daughter-in-law, acts like this is the greatest thing anyone ever thought of.

Ha Ni for president! Down with Mean Girl!

They play for a few minutes with various degrees of success and then Eun Jo, the bratty kid brother, manages to call the Faithful Sidekicks stupid as Ha Ni as part of his answer. You have to give him points for creativity and persistence.  Then it’s Ha Ni’s turn and she’s struggling with using “Baek” at the start of her sentence but she has a betraying Freudian slip to make things awkward.

So much for hating him.

Dooche Nood is pleased to find he’s still the center of her universe.

Yes. She anticipated that someone would give her part of your full name and this would give her the opportunity to fawn over you in a socially acceptable way. Her love for you knows no bounds. Jackass.

Ha Ni is like, “Oh, AS IF.”  But she’s flushed and we all know she’s not over it.

At the campsite, everyone is getting ready for the beach. By the Skin/Bitch corollary,  Mean Girl is wearing a skimpy bikini while Ha Ni is actually wearing a tank top UNDERNEATH her tankini.  No matter, the adults are all cooing that Ha Ni looks so cute and innocent.

Do you really think he is going to say yes? You can't think that.

The Dark Prince replies but there is no subtitle for what he says. I think we can assume he says something along the lines of, “She looks like a nun who is shy about her body. Also, I hate her and find her annoying. We should roast her over the fire for dinner tonight. That’s right– I would become a cannibal just to show her how much I do not like her at all.”

Then he gets up and hands Ha Ni something and tells her she should wear it.  Is it sunblock because he’s sweetly concerned for her previously sensitive skin? Is it  his high school ring because enough is enough and we should just get on with things? Oh, come on.

Socks. And I don't mean the cat.

Ha Ni realizes that he is making fun of her failed bra stuffing attempt and has the appropriate response, for once.

Smite him!

She lunges at him, but she forgets the cardinal rule of street fighting and trips over her own treacherous flip-flops.

This isn't over!

She springs up to chase him again and promptly slips on the tent.

You really should just use this moment to get a head start, stud.

Actually, this turns out to be a pretty cute little scene with the sock gifting looking more like a guy good-naturedly teasing the girl he likes.  If they were in third grade.   He laughs that the socks were for her feet and she tears after him while he cackles. For a moment, he seems more like a smart ass and less like a juicebox.  He even pauses in the play-fighting to make sure she’s not actually hurt. This may be the beginning of the metamorphosis.

Have you forgotten about Duckie, his borrowed scooter, and his troubling lighter?   Try to remember because they’re currently stalled out on the side of the road.

You know what would help you see inside your gas tank?

That's right! Your lighter is now useful!

Uh oh. Lighters and gas tanks are not as well suited as you and Ha Ni.

Don’t worry about Duckie. This is mostly a rom-com and they don’t usually kill people in these things. He’ll be fine.

Blissfully unaware of Duckie’s misfortunes, Ha Ni and friends play on the beach and prove that acting like toughened gangsters in photos is not limited to white trust fund kids.

Yo. Free Weezy.

The three of them are carrying on and generally having a nice time when Mean Girl saunters past in her string bikini and reminds them that she is the Angelina Jolie to their collective Selena Gomez.

As always, the Aggressive One is the voice of reason.

Mama Meddler calls everyone back to enjoy her watermelon, which tastes like watermelon and not honey thankyouverymuch, and the ladies start to jog up the beach when Eun Jo calls Ha Ni back. Since he wants to be just like his big brother, he also needs to comment on her flat chest situation and follow it up with his own flirty chase scene.

I really think he has a thing for her.

I’m pretty sure he’s calling her flat as a board. At first, she brushes him off and kind of laughs, but then he starts racing around chanting, “Push up! Push up!” and she  scampers after him to give him the swift kick in the ass he deserves. He gets to the water’s edge and taunts her because she has to wear a floatie in the water and he doesn’t.

Uh, I think she proved she CAN study. You can read my recap if you forgot.

He splashes into the water and she stands on the beach, stomping her feet and yelping after him to come back. Then his taunts turn from catcalls to call for help. She thinks he’s kidding at first but her face drops like a stone when she realizes he really can’t keep his head above water.

Here's where shit gets real.

She calls up the beach for someone to help, but the dads are busy being buried in the sand and eating watermelon, and Mama Meddler is engrossed in a stand-off with Mean Girl.

I like that the umbrella pole is symbolically dividing them.

Left with no other viable options, Ha Ni throws caution to the wind and dives in after Eun Jo despite the fact that she can’t actually swim. I get her struggle, but I think she could have run up the beach a little a and shrieked or something before deciding she might as well go for broke.

This is looking less and less like a good idea.

Is it wrong that I’m really focused on how blue that water is? Yeah, it’s wrong.

Anyway, she manages to get the kid above water for a minute but soon they’re both flailing around. I’ve never seen someone drowning before, but this doesn’t seem all that realistic. Both of them have enough strength to wave their hands in the air and scream. Everyone on land is still too distracted to notice, but then Seung Jo pauses as he stares at something in the water.

This time, I'm thinking he's listening to some indie band you wouldn't know.

And then- BAYWATCH MOMENT!

Slow motion run!

Seung Jo and Mary Anne Spier lead the charge down to the water. Obviously, Mary Anne Spier is a certified lifeguard since Kristi Thomas would have required that to be in the BSC, and Mr Perfect already told us that he is an excellent swimmer.  Mary Anne Spier emerges from the water with the little boy first. Mama Meddler, whose beach outfit is adorable, is all over him.

For someone who just dove into the water, Mary Anne Spier looks pretty dry.

Ha Ni emerges next, clinging to Seung Jo like her life depends on it, and I suppose it does.

Dude, you saved her life. You can touch her. Nobody will judge you.

They crash on the sand and she looks genuinely terrified while he just looks like she’s really heavy.

Later that night, Seung Jo handles the grill while his parents fuss over the little one. Sensing an opportunity for love to triumph over general dislike, Mama Meddler tells her eldest to bring Ha Ni some water.   I suppose she is assuming that a life-or-death situation might bring them together, but she clearly doesn’t know about the time he saved her from a flasher.   The Dark Prince approaches Ha Ni and her father, who are looking generally upset. Poor frat-hair dad is upset that she almost died and she is upset that he is upset.

Aw. Dads are the best.

In exchange for saving  his daughter’s life, Daddy offers Seung Jo a really great dinner. Sounds fair.  Grand Master Tool is the model of polite deference until Daddy wonders off and then it’s all, “You’re such an idiot for trying to save someone’s life.”

I mean, he has a point. But way to scold her trying to be helpful.

She’s like, “Leave me alone, I almost died.” But he sticks around to really rub salt in the wound, only it sounds more and more like he’s less irritated and more exasperated– a fine but distinct difference.

Admit it- your life would be dull without her. Let's get a Kelly Clarkson song up in here!

They’re about to have a moment when they hear a shriek from the campsite. Let this be a zombie attack. Or at least a sea creature invasion.  Give us something to work with here!

Duckie! You made it! And you look kind of like a zombie, so all is not lost.

With Duckie now in the mix, everyone is getting ready for bed. Men in the tents, women and children in the camper.  The girls are all giggling and pillow fighting and Eun Jo is missing an opportunity to say something scathing about how dumb Ha Ni is because he’s reflecting that she saved his life. That’s right, punk, and don’t you forget it!

Not so smart-mouthed now, are you?

Outside, The Dark Prince is strumming his guitar. As Duckie will soon point out, OF COURSE he plays guitar.  Surprisingly, he’s playing the tune for “Falling Slowly” from Once. Given how much of Western culture seeps into South Korea, I guess this shouldn’t be unexpected. But then– it’s not often you hear a song from an indie movie when you’re dealing with a sugar pop TV show.  Actually, the lyrics fit what’s likely to happen between Seung Jo and Ha Ni, so it’s kind of perfect.  I couldn’t help myself and googled “falling slowly playful kiss” to see if any enterprising fans made a music video. They have not (that I can see), but I did find out that the actor playing Seung Jo previously sang this song when he participated in a reality show (more about that in a post to be written later).  So, I guess this is kind of an inside joke thing for kpop.

Is he bad at anything other than acting like a normal human being?

So, he’s sitting there being all thoughtful when Duckie plops down beside him and begrudgingly thanks him for saving Ha Ni.

Nerds need love too.

Duckie huffs that he constantly has to watch Douch Nood to prevent him from  scamming on his girl.  Seung Jo gets a good laugh out of this.

I mean, I could bang her anytime I wanted

Duckie thinks this is a great idea, but he returns to the point that Seung Jo better keep it in his pants. Mr Perfect muses that Duckie must really like Ha Ni. Duckie is a little taken aback by the directness of this- no loud romantic gestures? No wailing tears?  A simple yes or no question is foreign to him.  But yeah, he says, he’s pretty into her. He just wants to make her happy. It’s a very sweet thing to say, actually.

Do they really? Have you actually seen this kid's hair? He's got spunk anyway. Unlike some douche noodles I could name.

Basically, we’re in the middle of an Edward and Jacob In The Tent Moment. You know that scene from Eclipse when Bella is pretending to be asleep but overhears the boys talking about her and what’s best for her? And she gets to hear them say what they really think about her? This is kind of like that because guess who is out of bed eavesdropping and hearing things she’s not supposed to hear?

Unlike Bella, she's not hearing much that delights her.

Duckie is thrilled that Seung Jo thinks he’s good with Ha Ni. He crows that she can have a crush on Dark Prince all she wants, but  it’s just a fire that will burn out. Also, since Seung Jo is no longer his enemy, would he like to be BFFs?  In a moment of rare comedic timing, Douche Noodle simply says, “No,” without skipping a beat. And the scene fades with Ha Ni Ally McBealing in her sweater sleeves and looking crestfallen.

Next time: Ha Ni tries to study without her White Knight and find it’s not so easy. Later, somebody gets some bedroom action. OOOOOH!

In case you haven’t been riveted to my blog, here’s what the story starts:
Playful Kiss Ep 1: Part 1, Part 2.
Playful Kiss Ep 2: Part 1, Part 2
Playful Kiss Ep 3: Part 1

Last time on Playful Kiss: The smart nerds of Class 1 compete against the brainless jocks in Class 7 in a sports tournament. Ha Ni’s class wins all but the last event, which they lose because she’s too focused on Seung Jo to hand the relay baton to the right person. It’s okay because everyone got pizza anyway.

Okay, I’m a bad recapper. There was a moment in the last part that I didn’t mention because I didn’t have the right screencaps for it. There’s a scene at the start of the tournament where Ha Ni is wearing her full body orange phallus costume and takes off the head to complain that she’s too hot inside it. Her friends are like, “Who cares? Suck it up!”  Seung Jo watches the exchange from his smart kids tent and I think we’re supposed to figure out that he is starting to care what happens to her, despite the fact that he doesn’t do anything about it or change expressions or anything.   I’m only mentioning this because the next part starts with Ha Ni being covered in burns because of this.  Which still doesn’t make sense to me.

How do you get sunburned inside a costume?

She can’t be sunburned, right?  That doesn’t make sense.  And she couldn’t really have first or third degree burns because she didn’t get in  a fire or get sprayed with scalding water or something. At worst, she would have just passed out from dehydration. Maybe she got burned while hanging out on the sidelines for her relay?  So, once again, we are making a leap in the name of the plot.    Anyway, Ha Ni leaves her room to seek relief and runs across Grand Master Tool plugged in to his iPod.  I bet he’s listening to Dashboard.  Anyway, he’s slightly sympathetic to her being burnt but in  a passive, “Oh, look at you being dumb again” kind of way.  He points out that of course she’s hurting all over– she never does anything half way.

They really toss the word "life" around lightly.

Ha Ni blows right past this  concern for her well-being and makes a well-placed snotty comment. The Douche Nood points out that she claims to hate him but she still tried to pass him the baton. She snipes that it’s just another of her mistakes, but then she reverts to school girl crush mode when she sighs that it must be nice to be good at running on top of being such a good student.

And I'm modest. Thought you should know.

This is where Ha Ni should roll her eyes and drawl, “How nice for you,” before stomping off to ask his mom for aloe vera.  Instead, she continues to engage with him. He shows a spark of general human understanding by questioning if the other students gave her a hard time and she chirps that his mom fixed everything by showing up with PIZZA.  He’s like, “Yup, sounds like my mom. Barreling ahead like some kind of skinny well-dressed steamroller.”

Hark! Who goes there? Why it's Meddling Mama!

Ha Ni finally gets one up on him by quietly revealing that her mom died when she was four and she’s happy to have someone doting on her. He actually looks away from his iPod and listens to her with an “Oh shit” expression while she explains that she finally felt like she had her mom around today.

Try to insult that, Douch Nood.

Naturally, Mama Meddler overhears this and looks all schmoopy. She’s already shopping for her dress for their wedding, y’all.  Seung Jo shows an impressive range of sympathy. In his inability to bring himself to really talk to Ha Ni, he does manage to encourage her to find some pain relievers.

Look at him! Being all nice!

You’re feeling better about him, right? You’re thinking he’s not so bad, right?  That he’s redeemable and this could all work out? Okay, hold that thought. Ha Ni agrees that she should do this and then says she’ll probably help his mom with dinner.  He starts off saying she should rest but then catches himself in the act of being a normal human being.

Aw, there you are, Dark Prince. I was scared I lost you.

He’s about to saunter off, but he stops and asks something very important. What the hell was that costume from earlier?  Thank you for asking this! I have been puzzling for days now.

Oh, well. That explains nothing.

Despite my vow to be as dumb about this series as possible and not research very much so as to keep up my Stupid American persona, I couldn’t help it.  I Googled this.  Evidently, “Stinky butt” is a mistranslation of “Fart Leader.”  I still don’t know what this is, but I get that it was ridiculous for Ha Ni to be him. This makes me wonder what other mistranslations are impacting my understanding here.   If you’re curious, this is who she was supposed to be:

from a Korean DVD site

Seung Jo starts to leave but says something that is evidently a double entendre.

So, is he saying the costume was cute or that she had no ears?  Either is likely at this point. Mind game player.

Downstairs, fresh from her eavesdropping session, the resident power blogger is musing that their house really feels like a home with Ha Ni there.

I mean, he does look happy, I guess. Whatever. Still Team Ha Ni.

Her husband agrees and for some reason this causes her to clap her hands and exclaim they should all go on a trip. This reminds me of the scene in Zoolander when they need to discuss important existential issues and they all yell,”Orange Mocha Frappicinos!”   It’s like,”Our house is so much happier and Ha Ni is lovely…. LET’S GO CAMPING!” I guess we need a reason to put the two love birds in swimsuits.  That’s next episode. Sit tight.

The whole happy family heads out to dinner to celebrate Ha Ni getting into Study Hall.

What exactly is our timeline here? Maybe two weeks so far?

There’s a boring sentimental bit where Ha Ni’s dad is proud of her for being smart and thanks Seung Jo for tutoring her, and then Mama Meddler says Ha Ni is the amazing one for getting him to tutor her. Blah, blah, blah.  The only thing you need to know about this scene is that Seung Jo’s one true love is his iPod.

This time, he's listening to The Smiths.

Really? He can’t interact with these people at all? Let’s get to the good stuff. You know what this TV show needs? Booze!

You're not enough of a spaz, dear. Let's really get you juiced up.

Ha Ni’s dad, well aware of her general propensity for having the worst possible outcome, looks reluctant but tells her she can have some alcohol since an adult is offering it to her.  It begs the question– are the other kids in school drinking or is this totally taboo? I’m guessing it is because Seung Jo comes alive when they offer him a glass.

Let's toast to the inevitable sticky end to this night!

Ha Ni’s dad warns them all that the  liquor is very strong and can hit you suddenly.  Not to spoil this for you, but I want to know where to buy this liquor stateside because it could save me a lot of time on the weekends.

Somehow, they get on the subject of Ha Ni’s nickname: Noah’s Snail.  What? You didn’t know she has a nickname? Even though they have never mentioned this nickname before, it’s obviously important. They explain that the snail on Noah’s ark took forever to get on the boat, but he still got there through sheer determination. Ha Ni might also take forever, but she always gets there.

Evidently, this snail is bloodthirsty and rabid.

Ha Ni reiterates that she’s good at anything that takes a long time. Like loving someone from afar or holding on to a hopeless crush. You have been warned Seung Jo, she will Wear. You. Down.

You don't look afraid. Wait til she's drunk.

Like any good gathering where people are getting sauced, there’s live music. The two old men remember their plans to start a band in their childhood. They never did get around to starting that jam session, but now seems as good a time as any. Never mind they’ve never played together– now they’re ready to croon a ballad that I think must be called “Everyday,” because that word shows up the most in the lyrics.  Lucky they keep a guitar or two in the restaurant at all times.   As they harmonize, Ha Ni takes this opportunity to reflect on her years of stalking Seung Jo.

While he reads..

While they're in morning prayer...

At some assembly...

In the hall where he doesn't notice she's right in front of him...

She returns to the present to find Seung Jo still ignoring her in favor of his iPod (maybe it’s Morrisey now?) and so she does the only sensible thing in a rejected girl’s arsenal. No, she does not join kick boxing.

She drinks deeply.

The oldsters finish their song, and the two ladies clap wildly while the two younger dudes act like they’ve just sat through a boring lecture on proper use of floss.  Mama Meddler encourages The Dark Prince to play a song. I’m intrigued because he is a pop star in real life, and this seems like a good time for the show to exploit his talent.  I was picturing a poignant scene where he sings a love song and meets Ha Ni’s eyes and she makes more out of it than it really is.  Instead, he stays true to form and brushes off the request while calling his mother drunk.  Ha Ni, who has not finished her whole drink btw, slurs that he would never play in a shabby place like her dad’s restaurant. And then we are treated to a drunken Ha Ni going on about how she hates Seung Jo.

Basically, she says everything that she has already said sober. He talks down to people, he’s mean when he doesn’t need to be, he didn’t have to embarrass her in front of everyone, etc. Only, it’s better here because she’s doing that great thing drunk people do where they have no inhibitions and their faces show the extent of their disgust.  Seung Jo looks horrified at first as she reveals that he teases her for living off his family and calla her a pain all the time. But don’t worry about him-  he’s about to score again in his personal competition to be the biggest jerk in town.

Ha Ni caps off her little rant with a “fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool,” moment in which she expresses her love for all the other family members…but…

The schnockered hand point!

When there’s an 18 year old girl in your midst who has clearly had too much and she’s in front of her family and yours, the right thing to do is to ignore her insults and suggest it’s time to go home.  I’m spelling this out because Douche Noodle over here clearly missed the memo. Instead, he reminds her she does not, in fact, hate him and reminds her of this by reciting her failed love letter to him for the whole table to hear. You know what? I think he LIKES that she is in love with him. I think he likes the attention.

Okay, admittedly, this is not the kind of thing you write in a love letter to a teenage boy.

Ha NI’s dad has the horrible realization that his advice to write a letter went south, Mama Meddler is aghast, and Ha Ni is wobbling like a Weeble. She even falls down. I want to repeat- she did not finish her drink. I know some Asians have lower tolerance, but this is ridiculous. Oh well. The same girl got sunburned inside a costume.

Suuuuure you do.

In the meantime, this whole drunken tirade and douche move retort has gone on much too long. Why didn’t an authority figure step in and make them both shut up?  These parents do not win awards.   But I’m starting to like the kid.

After a while, you can't be mad at him.

It is now clear to the adults that Ha Ni is wasted and cannot walk. Her dad ties to carry her out on his back, but low tolerance runs in the family because he falls down as well. Guess who is finally getting her piggyback ride?

If you guessed Ha Ni, you're right! You win nothing!

Mama Meddler, who obviously doesn’t believe any of the declarations of hate, commands Seung Jo to ferry Ha Ni home.  The parents watch them shuffling through the dark and wonder…

Will I finish this bottle of wine tonight? YUP.

Seung Jo is expressing his amazement to Three-Sheets Ha Ni that she always gets what she wants. You bet your ass she does. You might as well give in to her charms now.  Save me some re-capping.

No effing way she passed out and just woke up.

Then there’s sort of a weird moment when he asks why her heart is beating so fast if she’s over him.  He must not be that smart because he then asks her if she’s okay, like maybe the booze are giving her withdrawal symptoms. Speaking as a professional in the mental health field: no, fool. She is not detoxing.  You must be strictly book smart.  Then he says something else weird:

Do you see the hearts and rainbows coming out of her ears when he mentions babies?

Okay, so I took this  as an insult to her whimsical, flighty nature. LIke, “hey, you like me so much but how are we supposed to have kids when you can’t even hold down a glass of liquor?” As we will soon see this is not what he meant. Ha Ni will clear things up for us in the next scene, but just go ahead and assume that he said something douche noodley. She’s irritated enough to fall off his back, if that helps paint the picture.

Ultimately they make it home and Ha Ni makes it to her own bed and Mama Meddler shows her meddling powers by sneaking into Ha Ni’s room and hiding a picture of her and Seung Jo asleep during her Study Montage.

Oh, you can't think she shoves it in the book and that's it? This will come back, mark my words.

Ha Ni wakes with a killer headache and Mama Meddler invites her downstairs for soup. Have you ever once been hungover and craved soup? Where are the eggs and bacon, lady?

Ha Ni stumbles over to her mirror and recalls Seung Jo’s bizarro words from the night before where he questioned her ability to mother anyone.  Have I mentioned that Ha Ni hisses? I can’t really capture it in a screencap, but she’s always  making this little rabbit-tooth face, cutting her eyes, and hissing through her teeth when Seung Jo is loathsome.  She works that face now and glances at her chest.  So that’s what he meant. Her boobs are so small she can’t have children. Okay, so when is this guy redeemed? I’m all for a slow burn, but he’s not even really Darcy-esque right now.

I water them everyday, but they never grow.

Then she gets the worst idea ever for a flat chested girl. You’re thinking toilet paper, right? Maybe Kleenex? Nope, Socks. Oh yeah. This won’t end with the socks falling out in a public and embarrassing way.

Sure, you're smiling now.Wait for it.

The Great Sock Humiliation happens sooner than I think when she heads downstairs for breakfast and finds Eun Jo practicing for his jump rope test.  She offers to help and he continues to be my new favorite character.

BURN.

Ultimately, she does help him and actually has some good pointers. He’s getting better and she offers to show him a routine.  She’s bouncing up and down and Seung Jo is watching her with what amounts to his pervy face (this means he looks bored but furtive at the same time), when he notices something on the ground.  Oh, hey there, socks. We’re not at all surprised to find you out of Ha Ni’s bra. This would be a good time for Ha Ni to look politely confused and say, “That’s so weird. How did my socks get here?” Then she should have scooted upstairs quickly before anyone figured out her ploy. But no, she shrieks and dives and no one can doubt her scheme. Well played, Captain Obvious.

The gang returns to school and things are about normal. The Aggressive One is doing hair in homeroom, Mary Anne Spier is holding a mirror and looking nervous, Duckie is trying valiantly to engage Ha Ni in conversation while she gets her hair did, and Seung Jo is some where practicing his ” I don’t give a shit” look.  Ha Ni asks  Duckie to pass  over her English book and guess what falls out?

Told you this was coming back.

BUSTED. Ha Ni tries to eat the picture like she’s on Get Smart or something(no, really), but is stopped by her friends and the picture spreads like wildfire before homeroom is over. How they managed to digitize that sucker so quickly, I have no idea. The reactions are predictable.

Duckie is inconsolable.

Mean Girl is shocked but now awed.

The groupies are skeptical because Ha Ni is THE WORST.

The Faithful Sidekicks are gonna need to see his house and make things worse.

Hopeless Nerd Girl is wrecked.

And Seung Jo is driven to messing up his hair.

So, the secret is out and soon the whole school knows that Ha Ni and Seung Jo were caught sleeping at the desk because they live together now.   Next time: will Seung Jo destroy Ha Ni? Nope, but they will get that beach trip. And Duckie takes extreme measures while the movie Once makes a surprise appearance.

PS The blog does not exists. I went to the address on the picture. Wasted social media opportunity! But check out Mama Meddler’s Queen of Hearts dress:

Not very subtle, eh?

For my Playful Kiss recap project, I’m trying to avoid educating myself too much about Kdramas because I do want to maintain my Stupid American POV. But I can’t help it– I’ve been googling a little bit to try to get a grasp on some things. In my research, I came across the website dramabeans.com.com. This is the site of some very funny ladies who recap oodles and oodles of Kdramas and they do it in a much smarter and sharper way than I do.

Once I realized what I found with their page, it was horribly tempting to read all their recaps of Playful Kiss. I managed to restrain myself, but did allow myself to read the first 2 recaps since I finished those episodes. Unfortunately, I realized my nicknames for Duckie and Mean Girl are completely unoriginal. Should they ever stumble across my recaps and recoil in horror at my evident plagiarism, let this be my very public affirmation that I didn’t even know they existed when I started writing. I definitely did not copy them; great minds think alike, i suppose. But now I’m too attached to the nicknames to let them go.

For fear of copying them, I’m not going to read any of their reviews until I’ve finished the corresponding episode for myself. I’m sort of using it as a fact-checker. Once I’ve watched and recapped, I’ll read theirs to see if I understood correctly. So far, I’m finding a lot of missed moments and botched dialogue from the English subtitles.

If you want to see what an actually good recap looks like, start with episode 1 on their page:
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. (See what I did there? Seung Jo as the Phantom Menace?. Haha?)

If you read ahead, don’t tell me what happens. Not like I haven’t already guessed, but you know.